Are you for me?
by Pafoof
Summary: James decides what he want in life.  SLASH   Goes with the song If you're not the one by Daniel Beddingfield.


**Disclaimer/Author's note: I don't own anything you recognize. Based on the song "If you're not the one" by Daniel Beddingfield. I am very sad all of a sudden, like extremely sad so please put up a comment about this fic. I normally don't beg but I need it right now…..**

_If you're not the one_

_Then why does my soul_

_Feel glad today?_

James straightened his collar one last time in the mirror. He knew Sirius would tease him for wearing a polo shirt again but he couldn't help wanting to look nice. He only saw Sirius once in awhile since his father was suspicious of Sirius' sexuality and his own son's. His mother had taken pity on how miserable he had looked and had permitted Sirius over for a few hours. James couldn't have been more grateful. See, he loved Sirius Black and did not know how long he could quite honestly go without him.

James heard the newly familiar sound of the roaring motorbike and grinned from ear to ear. He shouted goodbye to his mum who only reminded him to be home well before seven, when his father would be home and fully expect James at the dinner table. James happily agreed before going outside. Sirius was just getting off the bike and taking off his helmet. James' cock twitched as he slowly pulled off his leather gloves and lounged carelessly against his pride and glory. His legs were spread and James could just picture what was inside those pants. But as he ran outside to where Sirius stood and the aforementioned caught him in a full hug it was about his heart bursting out of his chest in happiness as he felt loving arms around him again. So far that summer, it had been belting after belting and James could always welcome a loving touch to soothe away the pain inside and out.

_If you're not the one _

_Then why my hand fit yours _

_This way_

James and Sirius were sitting on a pier holding hands and listening to the gentle lap of waves as they hit against the side. James studied their linked fingers, Sirius short stubby nails from where he bit them so short and scratched his scalp till it bled to get away from his own demons and his own nicely rounded nails that portrayed the life he was supposed to lead, a perfect and flawless one. The picture blurred as tears crossed his vision and he blinked hurriedly as if it would be gone if he stopped looking for just a moment. The tears dripped down his cheeks and James hoped Sirius didn't notice him being so emotional. These moments were just so precious to him lately. When a sob broke through James' facade Sirius finally noticed his love sobbing silently beside him. He hurriedly wound an arm around James' shoulders. James cursed that he had ruined their peaceful and good time with his pointless blubbering. He immediately started to apologize even as Sirius quickly hushed his hurried and slurred words. He couldn't sleep the night before because he had been in too much pain when his father belted him over staring at a picture of Sirius in a less than friend way.

"James, what is it?" Sirius dropped that low concerned tone of voice that made James break down every damn time.. He didn't want Sirius so concerned but just wanted to cry and be held for once that holiday.

"Dad," James choked out as an answer. Sirius tensed and James regretted telling him anything. Now they would get into the same old discussion.

"James, maybe we should wait till we are of age. Family is really important." James shook his head vigorously.

"No, I don't care Si, I want this. Dad will come…around…soon…I hope," The last two words were so soft that Sirius barely heard them. Sirius sighed and tightened the hug he had James in.

"I hate seeing you like this." James didn't have much a response and just took his hand so he could burn the way they entwined into his mind. Sirius spit over his head and into the water. His chest rumbled as he laughed when the fish all scrambled to eat it. James felt it and had to laugh with him so something in their crazy life would be in sync with the other's.

James sat at the dinner table that night with his stomach in knots. He had left Sirius mere hours before and he felt like sobbing already. Home had changed so much that he didn't even recognize it anymore. The air was thick with tension and he wanted to shatter it more than anything else. He wanted to start screaming at his father for being a prick about the whole issue, and he would, if it would help at all. Harold and James had had more than their fair share of screaming matches over the last six months.

_If you are not mine_

_Then why does your heart_

_Return my call?_

James could consider Sirius as a godsend, they had a connection of some sort, there is no way that Sirius could know exactly what he needed right then. James got to his room after another fight to find a familiar owl a t his window. He hurried to untie the parcel and inside was a note with only seven words on it,

I love you, James, forever and always.

James felt tears sting his eyes but quickly put it in his bedside table drawer so his dad wouldn't see it. He'd be at Hogwarts soon enough.

_If you are not mine_

_Would I have the strength to stand at all?_

Harold thought that he would give James a last reminder before he went back to school for his seventh year. The scene was familiar to the both of them now, James didn't even ask his father not to do it and Harold didn't waste time with talk beforehand. They both knew this would be the worst belting of the summer. James pulled his pants down and leaned forward with both hands firmly on his father's desk. He heard the hiss as his father removed his belt and an idea popped into his head on how to unnerve his father this time.

"Alright, James, you know the drill, count to fifty with every stroke." Harold said softly and James felt the fury rise inside of him. His dad was his absolute hero but couldn't understand this one thing. He nodded and he heard the belt cut through the air before it struck his backside.

"One, Sirius holding my hand." Harold paused but said nothing, the second stroke was notably harder than the last.

"Two, the way Sirius play with my hair."

"Fifteen, the way he holds my body in awe."

"Thirty-five, the way I miss him and how he misses me."

"Fifty, I love Sirius Black, and you can't do anything to change that."

_I never know what the future brings  
But I know you are here with me now  
We'll make it through  
And I hope you are the one I share my life with  
_

That first night in the dorm room James had a hard time keeping his eyes off of Sirius, he had to reassure himself that he had made it through the summer from hell. Remus and Peter didn't know that they were together, Sirius wanted to tell them but James was to scared to, after his dad's reaction he couldn't take his friends reacting in even slightly the same way.

The soft breathing that filled the room indicated that once again, James was the last one to fall asleep. He felt arms wrap around him and he sighed in contentment.

"You alright?" Sirius whispered in his ear which caused shivers to shoot down James' spine.

"Yeah, let's just sleep tonight."

"My pleasure."

_I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand_

_If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?_

_Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?_

James broke it off with Sirius on Halloween, the worst one of his life. He had gotten scared of the threats and the pressure from his family. Harold had come too close for James' liking to disowning him. Everyone that James knew and respected told him that it was so wrong to be with Sirius but James knew something different. Could there ever be a balance?

He asked out Lily Evans and she finally accepted after a surprising six months of absence from her life. James was happy when he got a hug at Christmas from his dad but everything else was so wrong...

_If I don't need you_

_Then why am I crying_

_On my bed?_

James had never shed so many tears in so little time as he did from October to December his seventh year. The ache was worse than ever and it didn't help when Sirius started going out with Remus Lupin.

_If I don't need you_

_Then why does your name resound_

_In my head?_

James' grades dropped like never before and Lily and him didn't last long since he couldn't even focus on her when they were together. All he could think of was Sirius and all he was missing that Remus now had….damn, this hurt.

_I don't know why you're so far away _

_But I know that this much is true_

_We'll make it through _

_And I hope you are the one I share my life with_

_And I wish that you could be the one I die with_

_And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with_

_I hope I love you all my life_

In spring James had had enough and when Sirius approached him and asked if he was done being a prat and was ready to be together at last James couldn't say no. The kiss they shared was something James would never forget in his entire life, Sirius was the one for him and the world could bugger it all to hell if he had anything to say about it.


End file.
